I'm Not Ready For It

I'll never forget how it felt losing someone you dearly love.

I lost my grandmother over a year ago. And I still remembered the tears I shed on bidding her farewell. It hurt me too much to notice that I have lost somebody important in my life.

It was not easy to express that emotion during that time. I went back to Kota Bharu with troubled mind because I worried too much. And as I arrived at the hospital, I couldn't held my tears and I cried looking at my dying grandmother as the doctors were trying their best to save her.

I cried and I regret not having the chance to tell her for one last time that I really love her. She died in my arms as I led her to perform the syahadah. It was a heart-beating moment for me, knowing that she was ready to go. And then, she went to meet the Creator.

And last Raya, as my male family members and I have finished our Raya prayer and were heading home, Adam of Hitz.FM were playing Mariah Carey's Bye-Bye, and again, my tears shed again. I missed my grandmother so much and it was my first Raya with no phone call from Kajang to Kota Bharu, wishing my grandmother Selamat Hari Raya.

And I don't know what will happen to me if the same thing happen again to my parents. I'm not ready for it and I will never will, as I wish, it is me who will go first. It will hurt me too much to see myself being left by the two people I love most, and I don't know what am I going to do with everything when they are gone.